Tuesday, November 9, 2010

3 months...where has time gone?

As I sit here this morning reflecting over the last 3 months I am reminded of all the times as a child I would remember my parents saying, "the older you get the faster time goes by". Thinking to myself "yeah right!" "My life is creeping by". Well They were right my life is now flying by, I guess I'm finally a grown up :) . I guess if you are a parent you understand the love I feel for Ella... only it's hard to imagine anyone loving their kids as much as I love her ;) I love her so much it hurts. I remember reading on a heart baby's blog that the mother was learning to hold on to her son loosely, those words struck me hard as I began wondering how that was possible. It made since and it's what I had been trying to do, but yet somehow could not grasp it. To hold loosely, but I love her with everything, how do I hold her "loosely"? I realize giving her to God on a regular basis is so important, it just isn't always the easiest thing to do, even though I know He will take care of her. I want to learn to hold her loosely, because that is true love. I can not protect her from everything, and she has to be able to live her life without constant fear. I want to instill in her faith and trust in God that HE will take care of her. I don't want her to live her life in fear... so I can't live my life in fear. She will see how I choose to live how I trust God and hopefully she will do the same!  You see I often struggled with fear and what ifs before Ella was born, but slowly I began to control those thoughts of doubt realizing that they were only stealing the joy of THAT moment that I did have with her! Although I was well informed of the severity, diagnosis, and percentages, of Ella's survival. I began living life with more joy and less sorrow, I am not going to lie and say I never thought about it or had fear, because there were many of those moments, but they were much less than the moments full of joy! I guess technically it was always lurking in my mind somewhere giving a slight shadow over  my sunshine, but God did an amazing thing in my life, He was able to take a VERY sick woman who had a long journey to get pregnant, carrying a child with a 20%   chance to live, and HE gave me joy during my sorrow. Now that she is here with us, daily I am blessed by her sweet sounds and constant smiles, her blue eyes and tiny fingers hold my heart, her pink toes and rosy cheeks are supposed to be a bluish grey, but they aren't. She is without doubt our miracle! God has been so very good to us. Sometimes my mind begins to wonder and if I allow it to, it always ends up in the place of "what if we lose her now? Then what? How will I even breath?" It's in these times of fear that I have to remind myself to focus on the present not the future, to enjoy the time we are given instead of worrying about losing her. You see I know that no matter how much I cherish her or how much time I spend with her or how many times I tell her I love her and give her kisses... if I lost her I would always wish I had done more. Having such a high risk baby has brought such a new perspective to me on life and how I live mine. T.V. is such a HUGE waste of time, it is ALWAYS a good time to tell someone you love them, everyday is a gift because NO ONE  is promised tomorrow, spend QUALITY time with the ones you love, ENJOY  everyday. I hate feeling as though I wasted a day, and to all you stay at home mommies that feel like you "waste" everyday at home... those are lies from Satan! You are a role model, a hero, a teacher, a nurse, a friend... the list goes on. Wasting a day means that you didn't look at the blessings in your life that day, or tell someone you loved them, or had such a bad attitude that you didn't smile... THAT  is a wasted day! Sure every job is important, but just because your job isn't seen by the rest of the world does not mean it isn't one of the most meaningful things you will ever do! So 3 months into being a mommy what do I think? I think this is the most amazing and rewarding gift I have ever been given. I thank the Lord EVERYDAY for Ella's life, often times through tears of joy as I am watching her sleep or her eyes are looking straight into mine. She is such an incredible blessing in our lives, she has taught me more in her short life than I thought possible. Ella Dawn, you are my sunshine, I love that I can pick you up and hold you anytime I want, and I love you more than words!

13 comments:

  1. Amazing post Amy! Thank you for sharing the importance of each days blessings! We love you guys so much & we're praying always!

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  2. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. As a mother, I cannot even imagine how difficult your journey has been. You are a testimony to FAITH in a loving God. I know the future holds many unknowns for you, but that really is true for all of us. Most of us just don't have a 'list' of the possible pitfalls hanging over us. All children are a precious gift, but most of us do not fully realize just how precious our time is. Because we have 'healthy' children we tend to take for granted they will always be with us. In a way, you have been given a gift in being able to recognize just how fragile life is. Your experience will allow you to minister to others.

    I continue to pray for Ella and you daily.

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  3. Amazing...it is such a joy to follow your journey. You are loved!

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  4. Amy You sound like you have been a mother for years! Thanks for the encouragement! You had an amazing teacher! I love you and If we are in town I may call you and we will drive by your house and you can hang Ella out the Door so we can see her! Sound like a plan. I will leave homemade bread in the mailbox! Praying still!

    Beth

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  5. Amy you are WONDERFUL and are such a good mother. Of course Jon is a GREAT father also. I continue to pray and so does John. Again my faith has grown leaps and bounds because of your family and what God has done. I love you Bunches

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  6. You make me cry, Amy! Happy 3 month birthday, Ella!

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  7. You are a very wise young woman! You understand the importance of time. So many of us go through our lives never anticipating what might happen and in that waste so much time doing the unimportant things!
    I find myself encouraging new moms to stay home with their babies, if at all possible. I've never heard a stay-at-home mother (after her children are grown) say "I wish I would have worked instead of staying home raising my children so we could of had more things!"

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  8. You don't know me, but I know Scott and Sarah and I am reading their blog every day. They are having some difficult days. I decided to check Ella's blog, and just got through reading this entry from you. It was beautiful and I am so glad all is going well for Ella. We are all praying for Emma, that she can have some good days ahead and gain weight so that she can go home. You sound like such a wonderful mother, too. Prayers for you, Jon and Ella.

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  9. You are an amazing young woman Amy!!! I pray many many blessings for Ella and your precious family!!!!!!!!!!

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  10. Happy Birthday,Ella!God loves you,your mom and dad!
    my prayers for all of you!

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  11. I read 2 Corinthians 1:3,4 last night in my devotion and thought of you!

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  12. I just happened upon your blog. Your Ella is gorgeous!

    The Lord is good - He gave us a miracle Ella too! www.ellawest.com.

    Keep up the great work and remember that He holds your little family in His hands.

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  13. I just wanted to let you know that i just love the pic of you and Ella, you look so happy :)

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