As I sit here this morning reflecting over the last 3 months I am reminded of all the times as a child I would remember my parents saying, "the older you get the faster time goes by". Thinking to myself "yeah right!" "My life is creeping by". Well They were right my life is now flying by, I guess I'm finally a grown up :) . I guess if you are a parent you understand the love I feel for Ella... only it's hard to imagine anyone loving their kids as much as I love her ;) I love her so much it hurts. I remember reading on a heart baby's blog that the mother was learning to hold on to her son loosely, those words struck me hard as I began wondering how that was possible. It made since and it's what I had been trying to do, but yet somehow could not grasp it. To hold loosely, but I love her with everything, how do I hold her "loosely"? I realize giving her to God on a regular basis is so important, it just isn't always the easiest thing to do, even though I know He will take care of her. I want to learn to hold her loosely, because that is true love. I can not protect her from everything, and she has to be able to live her life without constant fear. I want to instill in her faith and trust in God that HE will take care of her. I don't want her to live her life in fear... so I can't live my life in fear. She will see how I choose to live how I trust God and hopefully she will do the same! You see I often struggled with fear and what ifs before Ella was born, but slowly I began to control those thoughts of doubt realizing that they were only stealing the joy of THAT moment that I did have with her! Although I was well informed of the severity, diagnosis, and percentages, of Ella's survival. I began living life with more joy and less sorrow, I am not going to lie and say I never thought about it or had fear, because there were many of those moments, but they were much less than the moments full of joy! I guess technically it was always lurking in my mind somewhere giving a slight shadow over my sunshine, but God did an amazing thing in my life, He was able to take a VERY sick woman who had a long journey to get pregnant, carrying a child with a 20% chance to live, and HE gave me joy during my sorrow. Now that she is here with us, daily I am blessed by her sweet sounds and constant smiles, her blue eyes and tiny fingers hold my heart, her pink toes and rosy cheeks are supposed to be a bluish grey, but they aren't. She is without doubt our miracle! God has been so very good to us. Sometimes my mind begins to wonder and if I allow it to, it always ends up in the place of "what if we lose her now? Then what? How will I even breath?" It's in these times of fear that I have to remind myself to focus on the present not the future, to enjoy the time we are given instead of worrying about losing her. You see I know that no matter how much I cherish her or how much time I spend with her or how many times I tell her I love her and give her kisses... if I lost her I would always wish I had done more. Having such a high risk baby has brought such a new perspective to me on life and how I live mine. T.V. is such a HUGE waste of time, it is ALWAYS a good time to tell someone you love them, everyday is a gift because NO ONE is promised tomorrow, spend QUALITY time with the ones you love, ENJOY everyday. I hate feeling as though I wasted a day, and to all you stay at home mommies that feel like you "waste" everyday at home... those are lies from Satan! You are a role model, a hero, a teacher, a nurse, a friend... the list goes on. Wasting a day means that you didn't look at the blessings in your life that day, or tell someone you loved them, or had such a bad attitude that you didn't smile... THAT is a wasted day! Sure every job is important, but just because your job isn't seen by the rest of the world does not mean it isn't one of the most meaningful things you will ever do! So 3 months into being a mommy what do I think? I think this is the most amazing and rewarding gift I have ever been given. I thank the Lord EVERYDAY for Ella's life, often times through tears of joy as I am watching her sleep or her eyes are looking straight into mine. She is such an incredible blessing in our lives, she has taught me more in her short life than I thought possible. Ella Dawn, you are my sunshine, I love that I can pick you up and hold you anytime I want, and I love you more than words!